Miss Tortall
by Avadriz
Summary: Tortall version of Miss United States. *chapter 13 added.* I'm back with a new revolutionary chapter! (not)..r/r thanks!
1. The Miss Tortall competition

chapter 1

Miss Tortall  
Everybody knows the Miss United States comp., right? Well, what if there was a Miss Tortall comp.? And this is exactly what this fic is about. Tortall is having a Miss Tortall beauty pageant comp. This is my first fic, so please don't flame. Thanx.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Hermione and Ron belongs to 'Harry Potter' and J.K. Rowling. All other characters belongs to Tamora Pierce. (but the plot's mine). And the Miss Tortall comp. is based on Miss United States.  
  
  
  
Welcome to the very first Miss Tortall!!! Let's welcome our host, Lord Wyldon!!  
(Lord Wlydon walkes on stage)  
  
Lord Wyldon: Hello, everyone, welcome to Miss Tortall competition. This is certainly going to be a wonderful night, with our gorgeous contestants.......  
  
  
  
(In the Audience)  
Neal: Hey, how come he's the host? I thought it was gonna be the king.  
  
Cleon: I heard that they changed it, 'cause they were afraid that the king might be biased and say not so pleasant comments to the other contestants.  
  
  
King Jonathon, who is sitting not very far from the two, overhears their conversation and   
whispers to himself: If this is the reason why they didn't let me be the host, I'm going to take actions of revenge very soon. Just think, this wonderful chance to kiss each of the gorgeous ladies with a perfectly good reason and without offending anyone - gone!!!! Errrr..............  
  
  
(Back on stage)  
Lord Wyldon, who is enjoying his role greatly: Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome our judges!! I would also like to ask all of you to make them feel welcome, for to prevent any types of bribe, blackmail, or just plain bias-ness, the great mage Numair Salamin had volunteered to use his magic to invite a few important people from another realm to be here tonight!!! (audience claps and cheers)  
  
  
Numair: (mutters under his breath) Yep sure, I volunteered to do it!! - after receiving a blackmail from the Miss Tortall Organising Committee.  
  
  
Lord Wyldon: Would you all make them feel welcome - Mr Harry Potter, Miss Hermione Granger, and Mr Ron Weasley!!!!  
  
(Audience claps and cheers. Harry, Hermione and Ron smiles politely.)  
  
Ron, whispering to Harry: Um, what exactly is going on?  
  
Harry, whispering back excitedly: I think we have been invited to judge a beauty pageant.  
  
Ron: A beauty pageant!! Wow!! ...but how did we get here in the first place?..oh! and where on earth is this place?  
  
(Harry shrugs)  
  
Hermione, who had just overheard Ron's question: that was a extremely powerful spell, and I believe, and only a extremely - and I mean extremely - powerful mage could have done it! That great mage Numair Salamin is probably the most powerful mage ever!!! And as to where we are, they had just said that this is the Miss Tortall competition didn't they? That must mean we're in a place called Tortall!!  
  
(Harry and Ron looks at her in wonder)  
  
  
  
(Back on Stage, Lord Wyldon has continued with his speech)  
  
Lord Wyldon: Now Ladies and Gentlemen, some of the contestants today you will know very well, including to queen and the King's Champion, the Lioness. But, there are also some which you may not know very well, and you must all keep in mind that this is a FAIR competition and we wish not to discourage any one. In order to do this, we will need your co-operation. You would all please ensure that you clap for the same amount of time and the same volume for every one of the contestants? Thankyou very much. Oh yes, also would you please..........  
  
  
  
(in the Audience)  
  
Faleron: when, in the name of Mithros, is he going to stop talking nonsense and get on with the competition?!!!  
  
Neal: don't get worked up, you're just wasting your energy.  
  
Cleon: yeah, have you ever seen the Stump stop doing anything just because one of his squires are angry?  
  
Joren: hey you guys, be quiet, I think he's almost finished.  
(the three shut up immediately, but only to hear...)  
  
(back on stage)  
  
Lord Wyldon: Now, would you please make sure that you have a smile on your face, and keep that smile the same for every one of the contestants. Let's welcome -  
  
(all audiences waiting for the name of the first contestant)  
Lord Wyldon: Oops!!! I forgot something, now would you please make sure.....  
  
(groans from around the audience as Lord Wyldon goes on and on and on)  
  
~~~~~(five Minutes laters)~~~~~~  
  
Lord Wyldon: Here's our first contestant, would you make her feel welcome, Miss......  
  
  
Author's Note: Do you like it? Hate it? Send your thoughts to me by filling out the blue box down there. And I have just decided that I'll only continue writing if I get more than 5 reviews (I have a whole lot more other things to do too, and this first fic is not very encouraging if I don't get enough reviews). Also, if I get lots of people to beg me not to have cliff-hangers I might not have any more cliff-hangers in my other chapters (if there are going to be any)


	2. Alanna

chapter 2

Right, here's the next chapter. Thanks to all those who reviewed, I really appreciated. Sorry about the formatting and I have decided to write it in paragraphs now. Anyway, if there is still something wrong with the formatting I really can't help it 'cause my internet just stuffed up and for something I can't read my story (haha, I can't even read my own story). But, that's the way it is, so just hope that my internet will be able to "un-stuff" itself before the end of this chapter so I can take a look and hopefully re-format it so it is more readable. I'll stop blabbing and get on with the story now (about time too!!)  
  
  
Disclaimer: Um... I really can't remember the names of all those characters so I'm just gonna say - NOTHING BELONGS TO ME!!!!!!  
  
  
After five minutes of endless nonsense, our host Lord Wyldon finally started getting on with the real show.  
  
  
"Here's our first contestant, would you make her feel welcome, Miss..."  
  
  
Suddenly the place where our three judges had been sitting exploded with a loud "Bang!", sending clouds of smoke everywhere.  
  
  
When the smoke finally cleared, the judges were gone, and sitting in their seats, were Numair Salamin, the greatest mage in the world; Jonathon of Conte, King of Tortall; and George Cooper, King of the Thieves, each with a dazzling smile on their face.  
  
  
"So," said Numair in a deep voice, "how'd ya like that?"  
  
  
"Um..." Lord Wyldon was a bit lost.  
  
  
"Poor guy. Look what you've done Numair, you've frightened him." commented George.  
  
  
Numair laughed.  
  
  
"OK, this is enough!" said Jon in his most commanding voice. "Lord Wyldon, get on with the competition immediately. The three of us will be judges."  
  
  
Poor Wyldon was too scared to argue. As a matter of fact, he was on the verge of crying.  
  
  
Trying very hard to keep his voice steady: "Would you all please welcome, Miss Alanna of Trebond and Olau!!"  
  
  
Audience clapped and cheered, as a beautiful Alanna, dressed in a gown of purple silk - which matched her purple eyes perfectly - walked on.  
  
  
Suddenly a loud cry came from the Judges Stand.  
  
  
"How could you!!! How could you introduce my dear Alanna wrong!!! Look what you have done!! Oh great Mithros, relieve me from this pain!!"   
  
  
George had his head buried in his arms, looking just as painful as he sounded.  
  
  
"Oh shut up, you crap!" said Alanna, "you're spoiling my image!"  
  
  
"Hey," Jonathon stood up, looking ready to defend his friend, "how can you say that?"  
  
  
"yeah, he's only spoiling his own image" added Numair,  
  
  
"well", answered Alanna, "everyone knows that he's my husband, so if -"  
  
  
"you two a married!!" exclaimed audience  
  
  
Alanna stared back blankly.  
  
  
"we thought you guys were only having an affair!!!" continued audience  
  
  
"me too, " added Lord Wyldon, "and I almost forgot that too, since you were away that often."  
  
  
"Basically, " said Numair, finishing off the whole damn conversation, "if you didn't mention it, no one knew that you had a connection with George.  
  
  
"OH GREAT GODDESS!" Alanna faints.  
  
  
"NO! MY DEAR ALANNA!" cried George, bursting into tears.  
  
  
"calm down George, she only fainted." comforted Jon.  
  
  
Numair suddenly remembered something. "What were you going on about before?"  
  
  
George looked up. "He introduced my dearie Alanna wrong. It's suppose to be Mrs Cooper of Pirate's Swoop."  
  
  
Everyone faints including Jon and Numair (and of course Lord Wyldon).  
  
  
Author's Note: So, how'd ya like that chapter? I know that a lot of the people are out of characters, but my holiday had just started so I'm on a high! (*author laughing uncontrollably dreaming about all the lovely things she is gonna do for the next three weeks*) Oh yeah, don't forget to review!!! (you guy's did a good job for the last chapter so continue on OK? and I also need tips on who are all the contestants are gonna be since the last time I read Tamora Pierce was a LONG time ago, and I've kinda forgot about some characters (which is also why the characters are out of character - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


	3. Kel

Chapter 3

Hey, aren't you guys happy? I am. I've finally figured out away to format my story correctly. Can you believe that? All I had to do was to save my story as a HTML document (well, not really. I had to change to part where it said save as APPLEWORKS document part first, and before that I had to know that I actually *could* save it as a HTML document.) But anyway, computers always seem to driving me crazy one way or another. (readers: would you like to get on with the stupid damned story?) - yeah, I would. By the way, all my comments will now be in little stars like this: *comment*.  
  
Disclaimer: nothing belongs to me  
  
~~~~~~~~~10 Hours later~~~~~~  
  
Lord Wyldon has just changed his outfit to keep up with the new . He is now wearing a bright red armour, with green pants (*how disgusting is that! but anyway, it suits his character*). The first contestant Miss (or Mrs) Alanna has recovered and is now standing beautiful at one end of the stage.  
  
"Now, would you please put your hands together, for Miss Keladry of MIndelan!!!!"  
  
Audience claps and cheers. Jon, Numair and George nods politely towards her. Neal and Cleon suddenly jumps up and does the Tarzan roar.  
  
"GO KEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams Neal.  
  
"MY PEARL, ALL GROWN UP AND COMPETITING, FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Cleon  
  
"I love you KEL!!!!!!!!!" screams Neal  
  
"my Love you rock!!!" cried Cleon  
  
"Kel, wait for me" Neal suddenly starts running towards to stage.  
  
Cleon, not knowing what he was up to, follows.  
  
Neal runs up the stage and kiss Kel. Cleon, amazed, does the same thing and kisses Kel.  
  
Kel, suddenly realising what was happening, punches the two of them and they roll down the stage in pain.  
  
"Oh, Kel, how can you do this to me!" screamed Neal.  
  
"Oh my darling, please save me from the fires of hell." cried Cleon  
  
Blazes of light shone suddenly from Numair's hands and the two are immediately silent.  
  
"Well, miss Keladry, " said Lord Wyldon, a bit out of breath from the shock, "we can see that you are very popular, aren't you?"  
  
"Of course, being the only girl among a group of boys does have it's advantages." answered Kel, now with her Yamani face back on.  
  
(back stage)  
Back stage, where all other contestants are waiting, Thayet had been listening to what was going on on stage while everyone else was getting ready. She had always been very sure of her looks and this time, she was determined to win the competition by her "natural beauty". Overhearing what Kel said, she laughed.   
  
"the poor little girl have absolutely got no clue what an advantage is" she thought to herself, "being married to the King, and always flirting with Dukes and Barons is a TRUE advantage."  
  
(on Stage)  
"Kel, tell us a bit about yourself. What do you like and who are your heroes?" asked Lord Wyldon, trying to start a bit of conversation with Keladry, who, with the help of a beautiful gown and paint, had transformed herself into a lady.  
  
"Well, basically, I like spaghetti bolognaise, chocolate, Coke and carrot cake. My heroes are, apart from the Lioness and the King, Harry Potter and Batman." kel answered casually.   
  
(*all right, i know this is really weird, but i am feeling really, really weird at the moment, so no flames please. Anyway, since communication between different countries are so important these days, why shouldn't they be communicating between Realms?*)  
  
"So you say that like Batman?" asked Lord Wyldon, who had suddenly became interested.  
  
"yes"  
  
"so what would you if Batman was standing in front of you?"  
  
"um, I'm not sure"  
  
"would you kiss him?"  
  
" i suppose so"  
  
Upon hearing this. Lord Wyldon immediately turned towards the audience.  
  
"Thankyou for watching The very first Miss Tortall competition. We'll be right back - after a short break."  
  
This is the end of the chapter. Please Review. Also, I need help on continuing. 'cause I don't know what to write in the next chapter. I'm out of interesting material. Basically, i'm stuck, after and still, suffering from a writer's block (if i am a writer at all). To be truthful, i don't even know who the other contestants are gonna be. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. A new host!

Chapter 4

Here's the next chapter. I'm watching a Hong Kong movie right now and it is so funny!!!...and demented. But anyway, it's good. Now back to my crappy pointless story...........  
  
Chapter 4  
  
  
----------30 minutes later ------------  
  
WELCOME BACK TO MISS TORTALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(audiences clap)  
  
LET'S WELCOME OUR HOST, LORD WYLDON !!!!!!!!!   
  
Lord Wyldon comes running across the stage, his shirt unbuttoned, a batman costume in his hands. Behind him are Cleon and Neal.  
  
"Stop there, you Stump!!"  
  
"Yeah, give the Batman costume to me!"  
  
"no, to me!"  
  
"no, me!"  
  
"me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"YOU TWO CAN BOTH SHUT UP AND STOP CHASING ME 'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA GIVE IT TO ANYBODY!!!!"  
  
"then what are you going to do with it?" asked Neal, puzzled.  
  
"OF COURSE I AM GOING TO WEAR IT MYSELF!" screamed a very angry Lord Wyldon.  
  
"But you can't" said Cleon  
  
"Why?"  
  
"because Kel's going to kiss me!" Cleon answered.  
  
"no she's not, Kel's gonna kiss me." said Neal, "But hey Wyldon, he's right, you can't wear it"   
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Well, it's simple, you're too fat!"  
  
"ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed Wyldon, "I can't take it any longer. Everyone hates, Numair scares me, my students insults me, and my beloved Kel won't even defend me!!!!"  
  
(Lord Wyldon bursts out crying)  
  
"I quit! I QUIT!" Lord Wyldon stomps out, crying uncontrollably.  
  
The Miss Tortall competition immediately became a place of chaos (again) while The Miss Tortall Organising Committee try to sort everything out and find a new host to replace Lord Wyldon.  
  
----------10 hours later -----------  
The audiences have finally settled to their seats and Miss Alanna and Miss Keladry are standing next to each other at one end of the stage. Everyone is waiting patiently for the announcement of the new host. The moment finally came.  
  
"After lots of discussion", a voice boomed, "The Miss Tortall Organising Committee have finally decided on a new host. Would you all please put your hands together, for FAITHFUL!!!"  
  
Gasps were heard from all around the audience.   
  
(At the Judges Stand)  
  
"Why on earth would they get a dead cat to host a beauty pagent?" asked Jon.  
  
"Hey, don't insult Faithful. Alanna loves him!" defended George, who had fully recovered from the incident with Alanna.  
  
"I'm not insulting Faithful, I'm just curious." retorted Jon, "But I'm glad that you have finally realised that Alanna doesn't love you..."  
  
"What do ya mean by that?" asked George, who is becoming not very happy at all.  
  
"I mean that Alanna loves Faithful, not you. That's all."  
  
"Huh, yeah right!" George was getting very angry, "I bet you're trying to suggest that Alanna loves you!!!!!!!!!! You idotic airhead."  
  
"Repeat that again" Jon said that with a threatening look. Unfortunately, George was already too worked up to notice.  
  
"You and that wife of yours, a true slut, and a bitch - exactly like a prostitute, except for the fact that she doesn't take money. I must say, you too are just made for each other, 'CAUSE YOU BOTH CHEAT ON EACH OTHER ANYWAY!!!!!!!!"  
  
George pratically screamed the last part out, so that everyone could here it - including everyone backstage, and unfortunately for him, that includes Thayet as well.  
  
--------------------------------------  
So, how's the chapter? It is now about one thirty after midnight so I am very sleepy but somehow I just can't sleep. Anyway, please r/r . Also, you might like to read my other two stories (which are both demented one way or another, but still) - Jonathon of Conte, and Pointless Laughing. NEVER EVER FORGET TO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~Avadriz~~(who's about to close her eyelids and go to sleep but can't 'cause the computer is still on....)


	5. Daine

Chapter 5

A/N: Hello! I'm Back! ~_~ That face right there (somewhere) is my favourite, so you might see it around (don't know why I'm telling you this), it kinda gets to me 'cose I usually get sleepy when I write (since I prefer writing late at night). Anyway, thank's to all those who reviewed, and especially to those who gave me all these good ideas (sorry I can't name you guys 'cose I can't be bothered logging on the internet to find your names, and I don't wanna come back to edit it later - that's what you get from someone who writes late at night) But anyway, I'll stop blabbing and get on with the story. Remember, Faithful's the new host and a new contestant is gonna show up. I hope this chapter is gonna be a bit longa than my previous ones. ~~Avadriz~~  
  
Disclaimer: Basically, I don't own anything. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this stupid disclaimer.  
  
(on stage)  
Faithful walks on the stage in a purple robe. Alanna saw this and immediately became unhappy for it clashed with her gown (which was purple as well).  
  
"You really had to pick that colour didn't you," Alanna muttered under her breath.  
  
"Of course I had to pick this colour, DEAR Alanna, it matches the colour of my eyes perfectly." answered Faithful, but in a volume about a hundred times louder. Loud enough for everyone to hear.  
  
And, being loyal to their new host, the audience burst out laughing. It was not after laughing five minutes when they realised the fact that they couldn't stop laughing *A/N: if you would like to go into this in detail, you might like to read my fic Pointless Laughing* Anyway, they all found that they just couldn't stop laughing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~So they kept on laughing for three hours ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Numair, our great mage, has finally worked out a spell to stop everyone laughing. *A/N: damn, they can't laugh happily ever after*.  
  
But unfortunately, Jonathon and George, our dear kings, refused to have to spell conducted on them.  
  
"But King Jonathon, I can't leave you laughing like this!" exclaimed Numair.  
  
"But..hehe...of course...hehe...you can!!...hehe" Jonathon managed to say.  
  
"But..."  
  
"hehe...no...hehe...buts...hehe"  
  
"oh fine!" Numair gave up on Jonathon and turned to George. "Com'on George, set a good example"  
  
"set...hehe...a good...hehe...example?...hehe...no..hehe...way....hehehe...i'm the...hehe...king of...-"  
  
"Felons and criminals." finished off Alanna.  
  
George stood up in anger. "How...hehe...dare you...hehehe...damned...hehe...bitch....hehehe...say that...about me!!!....hehehe." The expression George had on his face was very hard to describe - but I'm going to try anyway.  
  
Firstly, imagine a Ninja Turtle (preferebly your favourite one). Make him very happy, and take a picture of him. Then, make him very angry, and take another picture of him. Finally combine the two pictures together, and you arrive at what George Cooper looked like in his mad attempt to insult Alanna.  
  
Anyway, before Alanna had a chance to answer, Faithful interrupted.   
"Ok guys, do you want to get on with beauty pageant thing or not. I mean, Mithros invited me over for tea yesterday, and I refused just for you. So if you don't want to get on, then I'm not staying here wasting my time!"  
  
A half-crazy Numair, upon hearing this, immediately conducted the spell on Jon and George.  
"Look you two. I don't care what you want and who you are. I want to get on with the competition 'cose my darling Daine is gonna come out soon. So you two better shut yourselves up!!!!!" he roared.  
  
Jon and George suddenly knew what Lord Wyldon felt like when Numair and George first tormented him. They were scared and on the verge of crying. All they managed to do was nod.  
  
Numair let out a sign of relief and sat down back in his seat, and gave Faithful the 'ok' signal.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, will you put your hands together for, Miss Daine!!!"  
  
Everyone clapped as Daine walked in and Numair started conducting some spells.  
  
First there was a spell which tripled the volume of the applause - that went pretty successful.  
  
Next there was a spell which produces indoor fireworks, which ended up setting Faithful's tail on fire.  
  
To put out the fire, Numair decided to do a rain-summoning spell. It certainly fulfilled its purpose, but got everyone else dripping wet as well. In an attempt to keep himself dry, Numair lost control of the rain and it developed into a thunderstorm, which, after about five minutes, managed to electrocute Owen with one of its lighting bolts.  
  
In his is mad reaction to the electrocution, Owen grabbed on to Cleon, who grabbed on to Neal, who grabbed on to Faleron, who managed to get hold of George, who grabbed Jonathon, who finally grabbed on to Numair.   
  
If any of you haven't taken enough science lessons yet, I would like to inform you that water conducts electricity, and you might remember from two paragraphs in front, that everyone is dripping wet from the rain.   
  
So, coming back to the topic, Owen got electrocuted, and grabbed on to Cleon, who got then electrocuted and grabbed on to Neal, who got electrocuted and grabbed...... you get the point. The process kept going until it reached the stage where practically every man in the room got electrocuted (we ladies of course never do anything to wreck our own image) all that was left standing was Alanna, Keladry and Daine - and of course Faithful who is desperately trying to work out some sort of magic or spell to repair his tail.  
  
For once, the Miss Tortall Beauty Pageant has able achieve absolutely silence.  
  
  
A/N: Sorry to leave you there but I really can't think of anything more to add to it and I think it's long enough anyway. Sorry if there is anything bad or lame in this chapter. I mean, I just read through it and I thought it sucked but I just can't be bothered rewrite it. So flame all you like, but in your flaming you better give me good ideas on how to improve it - otherwise it's not my fault if the next chapter is lamer (is there actually such a word??) Anyway, how ever you think about it, REVIEW! ~~Avadriz~~


	6. The new judge and Daine

Chapter 6

A/N: I just read through my last chapter and I discovered it wasn't as lame as I thought it was. I mean, yeah it was lame, but it wasn't as lame. For some reason I really did enjoy setting Faithful's tail on fire (isn't it always nice to wreck the image of someone who is always so up himself???) This next chapter is kinda lame as well, but more crazy. I certainly don't expect myself to think clearly at midnight! But enjoy the chapter anyway. ~~Avadriz~~   
  
Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns the characters. I own the plot, the Miss Tortall Beauty Pageant, as well as some of the personalities of the characters (these characters are really out of character). Don't sue. I wouldn't myself. What on earth is the point of sueing a poor thirteen year old anyway???  
  
  
After a quick vote - of anybody still fit enough and willing to watch the rest of the Beauty Pageant after the few 'misfortunes' - it was decided that Numair is to retire from his judges position as seeing he is not fit to control himself properly.  
  
This in turn, provided a new question. Who is going to replace him?  
  
Neal and Cleon desperately wanted to, but they didn't seem to have the potential to do it. (it can be true, it can be not, but who is daring enough to question a statement put forth by our new host?) Just as the Miss Tortall Organising Committee was running out of ideas, a heavenly voice boomed: "Why don't you let me be the judge? I have never judged before, and I would certainly like to."  
  
Everyone gasped and looked up to see golden light shining from and around a god sitting on a throne in mid-air. Everyone stood up and bowed to the figure. "Great god Mithros." They all said.  
  
Mithros grinned. He stood up and walked (rather 'floated') to Numair's old seat at the Judges Stand and sat down. Then looked up to see Faithful staring at him.  
"What's up Faithful?"  
  
"I don't get why are you here."  
  
Mithros' eyes twinkled. "Well, I heard that there was a Beauty Pageant happening in Corus so I was reasonably interested. That's why I invited you to tea, Faithful, to discuss what is going to happen at this Beauty Pageant. But then you turned me down-" at this Mithros suddenly looked sad, and looked rather like Lord Wyldon before he screamed that he wanted to quit "So I got really interested, and decided to watch you guys from the Divine Realms. I saw you all getting troubled over finding a judge, so I thought I might as well volunteer." Mithros started grinning again.  
  
Jonathon nodded in approval. "Yep, I think it is a good idea. I mean, the King of Gods, the King of Tortall and the King of Thieves all judging for this!"  
  
George nodded too. "Yes, the great King judges! King of Gods, King of Thieves and King of Tortall. Excellent combination."  
  
"NO!!" yelled Jonathon, turning to George, "It's King of Tortall, THEN King of Thieves"  
  
"NO!!!!!!! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!!!!!!!!!!" yelled back George, "It's King of Thieves, THEN King of Tortall."  
  
"King of TORTALL!"  
  
"King of THIEVES!!"  
  
"TORTALL!!!"  
  
"THIEVES!!!!"  
  
"TORTALL!!!!"  
  
"THIEVES!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"TORTALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"BE QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared a very angry-and-upset-and-annoyed Mithros. "Stop argueing or I'll kick you two out. Just leave it." Mithros looked at Faithful. "On with the show Faithful, ignore the two if anything happens again, I'll take care of them."  
  
Upon the last phrase, Jon and George gulped in fear. Faithful grinned in which ever way it was possible for a cat to grin, started interviewing Daine.  
"So pretty girl, tell me about about yourself."  
  
Daine smiled, making Faithful feel as if he was floating in heaven. "Well Faithful darling," as this Faithful smiled happily while Numair glared at him, "You see, my father was a, well, god. But my mother was a mortall you see." Faithful nodded knowingly, "and well, it was so hard for my mother..." at this Daine burst out crying. Mithros, who absolutely couldn't stand pretty girls crying, comforted her by magicing an exact copy of Faithful in front of her.  
  
"There you go, Daine," Mithros said kindly, "Now you have your very own Faithful to keep you company all the time!! Oh, yes, of course you can name him anything you like." he added.  
  
Daine smiled again and battered her eyelashes at Mithros. Mithros blushed and grinned back. Faithful and Numair glared at Daine (they were to cowardly to glare at Mithros. He was afterall, King of Gods).  
  
Daine turned to kitten in front of her. Suddenly she frowned. Mithros, upon seeing this, immediately asked, "Is there something wrong Daine? Or is it that you don't like it?"  
  
Daine quickly shook her head. "No, I really like it, but I would love it if it was a little different to Faithful. I like unique things you see."  
  
Mithros nodded quickly. "Tell me what you want it to be like Daine darling, and I'll change for you."  
  
"Well, let's see. I want it to be white.........And have orange eyes!!!"  
  
"ORANGE EYES??!?!?!" chorused the audience.  
  
"Uh-huh," nodded Daine.  
  
"HOW DISGUS-" the audience immediately stopped after receiving a death glare from Mithros.  
  
Mithros turned back to Daine smiled sweetly. "Your wish is my command, m'lady." and with a trail of golden fire from his finger, the kitten had transformed into a gorgeous white cat with orange eyes.  
  
"Oh how CUTE!!!!!!" screamed Daine excitedly, "Oh I love you sweetie!!!" and started kissing and hugging the kitten.  
  
Within ten seconds, the whole audience had decided what their next birthday wish was gonna be - to turn into Daine's pet cat - who Daine had named Fearless.  
  
Daine, who had suddenly remembered to thank Mithros, smiled sweetly at Mithros and blew him a passionate kiss, which made Mithros feel like he was flying ABOVE heaven. *a/n: ok, that was weak, but I mean, Mithros already goes around floating all day, so I suppose he needed to fly a bit, and he basically rules heaven (the Divine Realms) so I think that it would be alot more better if he was, like, above heaven?*  
  
Faithful, who had decided that he had really seen enough of Daine flirting with Mithros, said to Daine, "Wow, Miss Daine, you certainly had a tough time. But why don't we see if our next contestant, had a harder like herself? Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please put your hands together for.....Miss Varice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Audience claps and cheers as Daine walks to join Alanna and Kel. Miss Varice walks on stage, suddenly Fearless jumped from Daine's arms and ran toward Varice, stopping right in front of Varice's foot, tripping her.  
  
Oof!!! Lady Varice had landed flat on her face.  
  
  
A/N: Hi!!! It's me again. Back to announce to you....The End of Chapter 6. I must say, I had so much fun writing this chapter. Also, I need help (again). If you remember, a few chapters in front, I asked for people to give me suggestions and ideas. I had some great feed back, and that certainly helped me, but now I need help again! I had just looked back through my contestants list, and I realised that I forgot like heaps about some of the characters, especially those in the circle of magic series. I mean, I've forgotten the powers of each one, and their characteristics, so it would be really helpful if some circle of magic series fans could e-mail me about some info about each, cose I really want to include them in the next few chapters (you might realise by now that each contestant takes up at least 1 chapter). My email address is qianlon@yahoo.com.au. You could also (and you should) submitt you suggestions and help with your review (since you are gonna review anyway), but that's up to you. I just want you help!!!!! (or assistance). I would thank you in the next chapter, and if you really want so then include it in your review, cose I might forget (you'd think by now I'd pay a bit more attention to my fan-fics). Anyway, please review and give me any help you can. Thanx a million. ~~Avadriz~~


	7. Varice

Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed. Special thanks to Rose Maiden. Thankyou so much for you help and suggestions. I think you will like this chapter since you seem to kinda despise Varice. Anyway, I *loved* writing this chapter so you better too. Happy reading! ~~Avadriz~~  
  
  
"Ouch!! You stupid, stupid, very stupid cat!!!!!! How dare you trip me?!" screamed Varice, in her high-pitched voice, shattering glass windows all around room.  
  
But Fearless, true to its name, stood fearlessly in front of Varice.  
  
Varice, who absolutely couldn't stand being ignored, screamed at Fearless, "Look, you stupid cat. If you don't answer me, I'm gonna get...get...get guards!...to cut you in half!!"  
  
At this, Daine burst out crying. Mithros, seeing Daine cry, couldn't control himself any longer and said to Fearless, "Fearless, remember, you are created by a God??? And you can actually talk???"  
  
"Thankyou very much for reminding me that, Mithros. Now, let's see. Miss Varice, you said that you are going to cut me in half?" said Fearless  
  
"Yes, that's exactly what I said!"  
  
"Judges?"  
  
"Yes, what would you like?" asked a fairly amused Jonathon.  
  
"I would like to sue Miss Varice for attempted murder."  
  
"What?!!!" exclaimed Varice + audience + Faithful + judges + contestants.  
  
"Yeah, Varice said that she was going to cut me in half! That's attempted murder!!"  
  
"hmmm...." nodded Mithros thoughtfully, "You have a point! Ok, point taken, case accepted."  
  
---------------- 1 hour later ---------------------  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Miss Tortall. Right now, we will be bring to you live the case of Fearless against one of our contestants, Miss Varice! In this case, Fearless will be accusing Miss Varice of attempted murder. Let's see, the lawyer of Fearless will be....Miss Daine!!! And the lawyer of Miss Varice will be....Numair?! The couple against each other?"  
  
"Yes!" said Numair, "I'm not gonna care about that unfaithful bitch anymore."  
  
"You called me and unfaithful bitch??" yelled Daine.  
  
"Duh, what else would I call a bitch who flirts with everyone else???"  
  
"You little-"  
  
"Ok! That's enough!" interrupted Faithful, "We need to be on with our show. Now, where were we? Oh yes, the accusing will be Fearless and Daine, and the defending will be Varice and Numair. The judge will of course be the great god Mithros, and the jury will be...Jonathon, ...George, ...um...Neal and Cleon, ... Miss Alanna and Miss Kel, ...and LORD WYLDON???? What? He's back???"  
  
"Yesss!!!!!!! Hi everyone!! I'm back!!!" Lord Wyldon happily skipped in. *a/n: yes, skipped*  
  
"Has he finally recovered?" George whispered to Jon.  
  
"I think he's gotten worse. He's gone worse to such a bad state that the Duke Gareth has given up on him and kicked him out." whispered back Jon, and George nodded in approval.  
  
"QUIET!" ordered Mithros, "May the court case begin. Accusing first."  
  
Daine steps out. "Good, arh... afternoon, Judge and jury. This is actually quite obvious that Varice in guilty. She openly threatened dear darling Fearless to cut her in half! I'm sure you will realise that this is definitely unacceptable. Isn't that right Mithros?" Daine batted her eyelashes at Mithros. Mithros blushes and slightly nods. Daine grinned and carried on. "As for witness, well, everyone was there, so I'm sure everyone heard and saw what happened, but I suppose I still should get a witness. So, um, my witness is, let's see, Faithful!!"  
  
Faithful walks on proudly and sits in the witness seat. Daine takes out the book of Tortallan laws and Faithful places his hands - agh, actually paws - on it.  
  
"Faithful, repeat after me. I, Faithful, -"  
  
"I Faithful, -"  
  
"Solemnly swear, -"  
  
"Solemnly swear, -"  
  
"In the name of Mithros, -"  
  
"In the name of Mithros, -"  
  
"That all I say hereforth, -"  
  
"That all I say hereforth, -"  
  
"Is true."  
  
"Is true."  
  
"Now Faithful, just tell us what happened when Varice attempted murder on Fearless."  
  
"ok. Now, let's see. Fearless, accidentally tripped Varice. And Varice started screaming at Fearless. But Fearless didn't know that he could talk, and everyone saw that, I mean, he only started talking after Mithros reminded him." everyone nods "So Fearless didn't say anything and Varice started threatening to cut him in half."  
  
Daine nodded. "Why thankyou Faithful. Judge and Jury, from the above evidence, I'm sure the jury will know what to do - to pronounce Varice guilty of attempted murder. Thankyou."  
  
With that Daine walked back to her seat next to Fearless and sat down.  
  
"Would the defending lawyer speak?"  
  
Numair steps out. "Good afternoon Judges and jury. I'm sure all of you have a good enough common sense to see that what Daine and Fearless said are all nonsense. Varice just said an empty threat. Not an attempted murder! Thankyou."  
  
"Is that all you have to say Numair?" asked Mithros.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"ok. jury, do we have a verdict yet?"  
  
"Yes. The verdict is .... GUILTY!!"  
  
"Yeahhh!!!!!!!" celebrated Daine.  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!" yelled Numair.  
  
"QUIET!" ordered Mithros. BANG! "I hereby sentence Varice to three years jail for attempted murder on Fearless!"  
  
"NNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" wailed Varice as she is carried away.  
  
--------------- 10 hours later ------------------------  
  
"Welcome back to Miss Tortall! Would you welcome our new contestant, Miss Sandry!!!"  
  
  
A/N: That's all for this chapter. Um, keep reviewing. Thanks! ~~Avadriz~~


	8. Sandry and Wynona

Chapter 8

A/N:Thanks to all you guys who reviewed!  
  
Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognise belongs to me. The rest... well, mostly to Tamora Pierce. The song (before editing) belongs to Celine Dion.  
  
  
"Welcome back to Miss Tortall! Would you welcome our new contestant, Miss Sandry!!!"  
  
A Miss Sandry walks on and smiles at everyone while the audience clap.  
  
"Hello, Miss Sandry. How are you today, m'lady?" asked Faithful politely.  
  
"I'm fine. Young gentleman." answered Sandry.   
  
Faithful secretly thought that Sandry was exactly like a true lady.  
"So, Miss Sandry, tell us a bit about yourself."  
  
"Myself? Don't you guys get my profile before-hand?"  
  
"Um, yes, but we still like to hear it from you. Don't worry about it though. Why don't you just tell me a few things you like?"  
  
"Ok. My favourite singer is Celine Dion. um, my favourite colour is green, and I love wxorking with threads."  
  
Suddenly, in front of Sandry appeared Fearless, flying in mid-air singing: *a/n: for those of you who don't usually pay attention to these, you should cose it actually relates to the, um, competition. (or rather Sandry). By the way, the original song is My Heart Will Go On*  
  
_Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you,  
That is how I know you, weave on  
  
Far across the greeness  
and threads held between us  
you have come to show you, weave on  
  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the threads does, weave on  
  
Once more you open the door  
and you're here in my threads  
and my threads will weave on and on  
  
Greens can touch us one time  
and last for a lifetime  
And never let go till we're one  
  
Green was when I wove you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always weave on  
  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the thread does, weave on  
  
Once more, you open the door   
and you're here in my threads  
and my thread will weave on and on  
  
There is some green that will not go away  
You're green, there's nothing I fear  
And I know that my thread will weave on  
  
We'll stay forever this way  
you are green in my threads  
and my threads will weave on and on  
  
_Audience claps and cheers.   
  
"That was wonderful Fearless!!! Thankyou so much for that!" exclaimed Sandry  
  
"My pleasure, m'lady" answered Fearless politely.  
  
"Go away Fearless." muttered Faithful  
  
"And why is that??"  
  
"Because I'm the host, not you."  
  
"Arhh, but everyone likes me better."  
  
"No, they like me better."  
  
"No, me!"  
  
"meeeeee!"  
  
"ME!"  
  
"MEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
"QQQUUUUIIIIEEETTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!" roared Mithros. "Enough! I don't want to hear anymore screaming. You're giving me a head-ache."  
  
"Gods can get head-aches too?" asked Jon.  
  
"Of course they can. They have troubles too."  
  
"Non. Mes ami." George shook his head, "Tsk tsk, I thought gods would be better at grammar and everything. Look, you are a god yourself, so you should be using *we*, not they."  
  
"Agh fine! I don't care. Just find a way to may Faithful and Fearless all behave like perfect angels for the rest of this beauty pageant and I'll be fine."  
  
"Oh that's easy." siad Jon, "Faithful and Fearless, why don't you two have like a contest to see who's most popular with the audience? You have the rest of the beauty pageant to do whatever you like to help yourselves win. Remember, bribes are accepted but blackmails are not. Ok?"  
  
Faithful and Fearless nodded.  
  
"Good. Now to stop further problems, Faithful is not to leave the stage, and Fearless is not to leave Daine's arms. What ever you have to do, you may ask your manager to help you. ok?"  
  
Faithful and Fearless nodded again.  
  
"Excellent. I suppose we should be on with Miss Sandry?"  
  
"Arrhhh yes," said Faithful, "Now where were we? Oh yes what you like. Oh! We've finished on that. Very well then, how about your perfect dream home?"  
  
"my perfect dream home? Let's see. Three storeys double brick house with indoor heated swimming pool and spa. Complete with sauna and massage services."  
  
"That sounds lovely, Miss Sandry, and... Oh! we've ran out of time. Ok, Miss Sandry, would you like to take a break over there with all the other contestants, while we welcome our next contestant, Miss....Wynona???!!!"   
  
audience claps uncertainly as Miss Wynona(?) walks out. Unfortunately, this contestant was a horrifying sight. She had dark hair, rough, dark skin, dark eyes, and a bright red lips - which is obvious the result of a too red lipstick. Her cheek bones were also a hot pink colour from too much blush. She was wearing a red and green dress that went down to her knees. Her figure, if exposed even slightly more, would send the whole audience into vomiting conditions, for it is exactly like a ball - a ball that's not even blown up properly for her skin was droopy. What was even worse was the fact that she had thick, ugly legs too. Overall, Miss Wynona was horrible.  
  
"Err, greetings, Miss Wynona," said Faithful, trying to be as far from her as possible.  
  
"Hi gorgeous!" said Miss Wynona and at the same time batting her eye-lashes at Faithful.  
  
Faithful immediately took a run off stage and the audience could clearly hear vomitting sounds coming from the direction Faithful went off to.  
  
Conversations all around the room. Everyone was discussing where did this Miss Wynona came from, and how she got into the beauty pageant anyway. The following conversation was one conducted between Mithros, Jon and George.  
  
"Who on earth is that?" asked a disgusted Jon.  
  
"I don't think she's from earth anyway. Looks like someone who came from Mars." said George  
  
"From the Hell of Mars." added Mithros.  
  
"Yeah. I mean, who on earth would look like that? Ugly dispicable slut."   
  
"Uh-uh," George shook his head, "Ugly and dispicable -yes. A slut - no. That term is fulltime copyright of Thayet and parttime copyright of Alanna, Kel and Daine."  
  
"Thanks alot for saying that about the girls, especially Thayet." muttered Jon.  
  
"Did you see her legs? They were even thicker than mine!" said Mithros, who has been trying to study Miss Wynona without getting too disgusted and start vomitting.  
  
Jon and George took a closer look at her legs.   
"Ewwww, you're right. They are DISGUSTING. They don't even look like women's legs."  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed George, "They aren't women's legs. Miss Wynona isn't a Miss either!"  
  
Jon and Mithros stared blankly at George for ten seconds before the realization dawned on them.  
"ohhh."  
  
George grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, K1 and K2?" *a/n: translation: King one and King two*  
  
"We think we are, K3."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The audience was still deep in conversation when a order was given out from the Judges Stand for silence.  
  
George stood up. "Ladies and Gentlemen, due to the sudden discomfort of our host Faithful, Miss Tortall competition is to be delayed for a short period of time. We have been requested to help pass time while we're waiting. Therefore, we have decided to ask Miss Wynona to do a belly dance for us."  
  
Audiences groans at the thought of Miss Wynona trying to dance.   
  
Jon stood up too, and the audiences are silenced again. "Would you please all put your hands together for, Miss Wynona!"  
  
  
A/N: Hi! I'm back! Um, don't forget to review. *Extra points for who ever can guess who is Miss Wynona!!!* Next chapter is gonna be a bit more, um, fun for those *secrettopsecret*-lovers. In the meantime, review. Oh yeah, you can also vote for who you want to win the Faithful/Fearless thing. Thanks! ~~Avadriz~~


	9. Identity Revealed

Chapter 9

A/N: this chapter is for all you torture-for-Wyldon lovers. But alot of lameness too. Keep reviewing!  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognise belongs to me (except the craziness you might recognise from the previous chapters). Maybe this disclaimer can be carried on and used for any chapters in the future or past where I have forgotten to put in disclaimers (these pointless things are just about as pointless as Wyldon)  
  
  
"Would you all put your hands together for, Miss Wynona!" and the audience cheered and clapped as Wynona had no choice but to do the belly dance, so he - uh, she - started. The whole audience kept on clapping and cheering throughout the whole dance - with their eyes closed of course. The only three people who had their eyes open were Jon, George and Mithros. Even the other contestants were trying to stand beautifully with their eyes closed.  
  
"Is it going fine?" Jon whispered to George.  
  
"Yep," George replied, "This is going great. Hey Mithros, you're good. Can I keep this after this Miss Tortall thing?"  
  
"Of course it's good." said Mithros, "I'm a god. And yes, you can keep it after this."  
  
"But I want to keep the tape." said Jon.  
  
"No! I want it"  
  
"No! For me!"  
  
Jon shook his head. "uh-uh. for me!!!"   
  
Their voices were getting louder and louder, and Wynona was shotting them curious glances as she danced.   
  
"Shhhh.." Mithros said, "The solution is simple. I'll just make three copies of it when it's done and we can each keep one!"  
  
"Excellent idea! Oh yeah, when do we show this to everyone?"  
  
"When we reveal his identity of course."  
  
"oh."  
  
The music slowly faded away and Miss Wynona stopped dancing.  
"Did you enjoy that _boys _?" she flirted.  
  
The three gulped in fear and smiled uneasily. Suddenly an idea came to Mithros' head..  
"Yes, Miss Wynona, we enjoyed that greatly! So um, can you dance some more? I know! Why don't you dance some ballet for us?"  
  
So the music began, Miss Wynona started dancing ballet, and everyone closed their eyes while they kept on clapping.  
  
"ohh, can't I please close my eyes?" asked George.  
  
"No! You've gotta make sure that it follows her where ever she goes - uh, dances - or else there is no point in doing this!"  
  
"But I can't stand it, I'm going to started vomitting soon."  
  
"She's not that bad is she?"  
  
"Yes she is. She can't even spread her legs apart more than 90 degrees! Just open your eyes and take a look!"  
  
"No way, I don't want to spend the rest of this competition under Duke Gareth's care!" said Jon, who's got his eyes tightly closed. Mithros, who is sitting next to him with eyes closed as well, nodded in agreement.  
  
Finally after what seemed like ten years to George, the music stopped and everyone opened their eyes. They all decided, they have had enough of this entertainment-while-waiting-for-the-host-to-come-back.  
  
"WE WANT FAITHFUL BACK!!" chanted the audience, "WE WANT FAITHFUL BACK!!"  
  
"Ok ok, I'm back!!!" said Faithful as he reluctantly walked in.  
  
"Hey Faithful! Want something to cheer you up?" asked Jon.  
  
"what??"  
  
"Well, wouldn't everyone like to Lord Wyldon doing a belly dance and ballet???"  
  
Lord Wyldon doing a belly dance and ballet??? How cools it that??!?? Hey! Wait a minute! Wasn't that what Miss Wynona just did? ("Of course that's what she just did you dorks!" *author whacks everyone on the head and all gets enlightened*)  
  
"MISS WYNONA IS WYLDON???"  
  
"Uh-huh." the three kings nodded.  
  
"NO!! YOU'RE WRONG!" screamed Miss Wynona - or rather Wyldon. "IT'S _LORD_ WYLDON!"  
  
"Not anymore! You're fired!" screamed back Jon.  
  
"And you are to receive a punishment as well!" yelled George.  
  
"And your punishment is to watch yourself do the belly dance and ballet." concluded Mithros.  
  
"Ahh, but that is not possible, Sir!"  
  
"Oh yes it is," Jon held up a small black tape, "We filmed you throughout the whole way!!!"  
  
And so it came the little tale that mothers would now tell their children to make them behave: *screen becomes blurry and changes to a different setting.  
  
(A tired looking mother is trying get ten _very _ naughty children to be quiet.)  
"Now be quiet and behave. If you don't, Miss Wynona will dance a belly dance and ballet in front of you!"  
  
"Who's Miss Wynona, Mummy?" the children asked naughtily, and mother showed them a picture from that video clip, and the children were all silenced. This is the secret behind the world reknown fact, that Tortallan children, were the best behaved in the world by far.  
  
(screen becomes blurry again and comes back to the Miss Tortall competition)  
  
Everyone has just rewatched the belly dance and ballet. The audience are rolling on the ground, choking on their laughter, and Judges are argueing over who should keep the original tape (even though Mithros did make three copies of it, everyone wanted the original tape). Wyldon has left Tortall. He decided that he had lost his reputation, respect and honour due to this 'stupid' competition, so he go and learn to be a Shang Warrior, then come back and regain his honour, respect and reputation...or whatever he thought he had.  
  
Suddenly someone called out: "I'm thirsty. I need a drink!!"  
Everyone else nodded in agreement. Immediately, there was about twenty girls, dressed in white dresses with orange hair walked out pushing trolleys of drink.   
  
Fearless called out from Daine's arms.  
"Here's some drink for you all to have. If you need anything else, just ask. I hope you all support me in the Fearless vs. Faithful competition, and vote me as the most popular one. Thankyou."  
  
Everyone raised their drink and chorused: "Long live Faithful!" and started discussing about how they were going to vote. Now Faithful was worried. He desperately needed something to get him back in the audiences' hearts. An idea came to his head...  
  
  
A/N: Please review. Also vote for Fearless or Faithful in that competition thing. Also, who should I do next - Shinko or Kalasin? Tell me in your reviews! Thanks. ~~Avadriz~~


	10. A new judge + Tris and Daja

Chapter 10

A/N: Guys, changed my mind about everything - thanks to the comments and suggestions of a good friend of mine, so expect something really mental. Thanks. ~~Avadriz~~  
  
Disclaimer: nothing you recognise belongs to me. Somethings you don't recognise don't belong to me also. Only somethings you recognise belongs to me. *wasn't that such a cool disclaimer?*  
  
  
Faithful was once again standing proudly on the stage - this time, with a enormous cake in front of him.  
"Ladies and Gentlemen! Many of you may not know, but today is the birthday of... Great God Mithros!!!!! Let us all sing Happy Birthday to Mithros!!!"  
  
So everyone began singing:  
  
_Happy Birthday to you,  
You're a Million and two  
Happy Birthday to Mithros  
Happy Birthday to you!!!!_  
  
Faithful went on. "This wonderful cake today, is my present to Mithros, Happy Birthday! As well as a thankyou present to all of you here today!!! Enjoy!"  
  
Audience chorused: "Long live Faithful!" as they began eating the cake.  
  
while Fearless muttered under his breath: "stupid traitors!!!! Befriending thy enemy!"  
  
There was suddenly blaze of light shining room. Everyone looked up to see Mother Goddess standing in front of Mithros, fuming with rage.  
"YOU STUPID GOD!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY BRAIN AT ALL?!!! TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!"  
  
"Of course I know today is my birthday, Sister! See, Faithful's even given me a cake!"  
  
Mother Goddess rolled her eyes.   
"LOOK, YOU STUPID GOD WITH NO MEMORY WHAT SO EVER, YOU HAVE INVITED ALL THE GODS AND SEMIGODS TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY TODAY IN THE DIVINE REALMS!!!!! REMEMBER?!!! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO??? GO ON WITH A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN THE BIRTHDAY GOD ISN'T EVEN THERE???"  
  
"Well...."  
  
"YOU ARE COMING WITH ME RIGHT NOW!!!!" And then the blazes of light were gone - along with the Mother Goddess and Mithros.  
  
The audience stared at each other in shock  
  
"Oh what are we gonna do!" wailed George.  
  
"Get on with Miss Tortall of course!" said Jon.  
  
"But there are only the two of us left! You can't judge a beauty pageant with only two judges!! It's just not right!"  
  
"Then what are we gonna do?" asked a worried Jon.  
  
"I wish there was someone here to be a judge..."  
  
There was a sudden 'POP!' and a boy with brown hair appeared in front of them.  
  
Jon and George peered closely at him. "Who are you?"  
  
The boy stared back at them questionly. "Who are you? And where am I? - I'm Briar."  
  
George looked thoughtful. "Well, I'm George, King of Thieves. This is Jon, King of Tortall. You are in Tortall and at the Miss Tortall beauty pageant." He grinned. "I know! You can be our third judge!"  
  
"Third Judge? For what?"  
  
"For the competition of course! Our original third judge had just gone to his birthday party, so we're one judge short. You can replace him."  
  
So Briar became one of the judges to judge the Miss Tortall Beauty Pageant. Now on with the show.  
  
"Would you please, all welcome, Miss Thayet!!" said Faithful.  
  
Audience cheered and clapped while a stunning Thayet walks on stage.  
  
"Wow she's hot!" commented Briar, "Hey sweetheart! Can I have your, um, address?"  
  
George whacked Briar on the head.  
"You stupid! She's Jon's wife! Queen Thayet of Tortall!"  
  
"Wow!" said Briar, who did not seem to mind the fact that Thayet was married, "How cool is this? A good-looking king and REAL hot sexy queen?"  
  
Thayet blushed while Jon looked like he's number one wish was to make Briar disappear from this world immediately.  
  
"Look Judge Number Three," Jon said through clenched teeth, "This is Tortall, not where ever you came from, you at least can show some respect for the king and queen here."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Welcome to the Miss Tortall Competition Miss Thayet. Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?" said Faithful professionally.  
  
"Well, I'm married to Jon, King of Tortall. I have my own riders too. Oh yeah, I set the lastest fashion for Tortall."  
  
"What do you like, Miss Thayet?"  
  
"ME!" called Briar from the Judges Stand.  
  
Thayet blushed. "Well, yes, I do like you - oh but I _love_ Jon!" she added, seeing the look on Jon's face. At this, Jon relaxed and looked happy, Briar looked disappointed. "I also like clothes, making myself beautiful and flirting - with my husband!" she added again hurriedly.  
  
Faithful nodded with a knowing look. Thayet looked scared and volunteered to let the next contestant come up.   
  
Faithful sighed. "ok then. Well, let's welcome our next contestant - Miss Tris and Daja?"  
  
Two girls walked out. One was short and had frizzy red hair, and the other was dark skinned and had dark hair.   
  
"Tris! Daja!! Over 'ere!" yelled Briar.  
  
"OH!!! Briar!!!" squealed Tris with joy, "Briar! You're here!! You're here to watch me win!!! oh!!!"  
  
Daja smiled at Briar and batted her eyelashes at him.  
  
Briar started inspecting them with a questioning look.  
  
"What's wrong Briar?" asked Tris.  
  
"Why are you two wearing these things? You look nice, yeah, but weird too. Hmm..."  
  
"It's because this is the Miss Tortall competion!" explained Tris.  
  
"oh."  
  
"Uh, excuse me ladies, but why are you two walking on stage at the same time together?" asked Faithful.  
  
"Well, we thought that two is better than one! So we teamed up against Sandry that little brat!"  
  
"Excuse me Miss Tris and Miss Daja, I would expect you not to do such a unlady like thing to me. And swearing! oh my! How disgraceful!" scolded Sandry nobly.  
  
"oh Shut Up Sandry! Don't try to pretend in front of US!!" yelled Tris.  
  
"Ladies!! Please don't yell!" cried Faithful.  
  
"She started it!" yelled the three in unison, pointing at each other.  
  
Faithful looked at them sternly. "Look, I don't want people causing trouble in my competition. Understand?"  
  
"Oh Briar! Help us against this evil monster!" cried Daja, pointing at Faithful.  
  
"WHAT??!! ME a MONSTER?!!! What on earth are you thinking! I'm just a host!"  
  
"OH BRIAR!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!" cried Sandry.  
  
No answer.  
  
"Briar, why aren't you answering our call?" asked Tris.  
  
"Hmm." came the reply.  
  
"BRRIAARRRRR!!!!!!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Why aren't you helping us?"  
  
"you want to know the truth?"  
  
"Yes." chorused Tris, Daja and Sandry.  
  
"Well I'm thinking what would it be like to kiss Thayet."  
  
"WHAT???!?!?!!!" exclaimed audience + Tris, Daja, Sandry + Faithful + contestants + Jon  
  
"It's true!" said Briar. Thayet blushed. While Jon, Tris, Daja and Sandry stared at her and Briar.  
  
"OH!!!! I can't take it any longer!!! We did all these all these things for you!!! But you betrayed us, for that... that....that woman!!!!" Tris is getting very very very angry, letting her magic loose. And that was all it was needed for Daja. She let her magic loose as well.  
  
Immediately there was a thunderstorm and a fire blazing. The audience recalled their horrible experience with thunder and lightning in Numair's *little* incident and ran for their lives. Faithful recalled the damage done to his tail so he fled too. This left the contestants standing shocked on the stage by themselves.  
  
"Great. What are we going to do now?" asked Alanna.  
  
"I dunno. It's all your fault Tris, letting your magic loose." said Daine.  
  
"But Daja let her magic loose too!" pointed out Kel.  
  
"It's all Thayet's fault! If you didn't flirt with Briar, then it wouldn't have made them two angry and they wouldn't have set their magic loose!" said Sandry.  
  
"I did not flirt!!!" protested Thayet.  
  
"Yeah, but you made Briar like you!" said Kel.  
  
Thayet sighs dramatically. "Being beautiful is my burden!"  
  
Everyone starts vomitting. Sandry prays for author to help save them.  
  
*author looks at Briar and reminds him that it's broadcasting live*  
  
Briar looks shocked then smiles nervously at the camera.  
"We'll be right back with Miss Tortall - after the commercial."  
  
  
A/N: Done with the chapter!! It was stupid I know, but um, I'd let to put more Thayet flirting scenes in the next chapter, is that ok with you guys? Review, so yeah............ ~~Avadriz~~


	11. Kalasin

Chapter 11

A/N: ok.... another chapter.   
  
Disclaimer: er....a lot of things don't belong to me (as in the characters)  
  
  
The commercial that went on for 19 hours and 20 minutes had just finished, and everyone is coming back in. Jon, George and Briar was making their way through the crowd towards the Judges Stand when they noticed something usual.  
  
"Hey!! Why is our table wobbling?" asked George.  
  
"I dunno. Wanna go and take a look?" said Jon.  
  
George nodded, and the two motioned for everyone to be quiet. When they were right beside the table, Jon reached out to pull away the tablecloth while everyone held their breaths. Swiftly, Jon pulled the tablecloth, revealing a trembling Ozorne.  
  
"Ozorne!!! What are you doing here?? Aren't you dead?" asked a very shocked George.  
  
Ozorne, still trembing, nodded. And kneeled in front of Jon and George.  
"Oh please!!! Please let me be a judge!! I know I am a ghost and I was mean to you all... But please forgive me!! I'll be real good from now on. Please let me be a judge! please!!" he begged.  
  
"Of course you can!!!" answered Briar cheerfully.  
  
"WHAT?!!" yelled Jon and George, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID!?! DO YOU KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOU AGREEING TO LET HIM BE A JUDGE??"  
  
"Oh c'mon, everyone deserves a second chances. Give him a chance, show him your greatness, and set the best rolemodel for all of Tortall!!!" recited Briar emotionally.  
  
"Oh Thank you! Thankyou!!! Thankyou so much!!" cried Ozorne happily, with tears of happiness streaming down his face.  
  
Jon and George sighed and slumped down on their seats.  
  
"Oh great," wailed Jon, "First we have a half dead/half god cat as our host, then we have a god as a Judge, then we get a brainless, clueless kid to replace a god, and now we a have ghost that everyone hates as another Judge!!!!"  
  
"That's enough guys!!!" said Faithful impatiently, "We need to move on. Get in your seats IMMEDIATELY."  
  
"Geez, what's with him today?" whispered Jon to George.  
  
"I think it was because you called him a 'half dead/half god cat'." whispered back George.  
  
Jon's heart jumped. He hated to be one the bad side of Faithful. It was afterall, as he said, half god.  
  
(back on stage)   
  
"Would you please put your hands together for Miss Kalasin!!" cried Faithful as Kalasin walked gracefully on to the stage.  
  
"Oh Man!! She's cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Briar.  
  
Jon glared at him. "What do you think you are doing? First calling my WIFE hot and sexy, then call my DAUGHTER cute! What is it with you?"  
  
Briar stared at him, eyes opened wide and full of envy. "She's your daughter? You mean, you have all these beautiful, stunning ladies and girls as you're relations? And you can be with them all day without like, breaking the rules?? Oh gosh you're lucky!!"  
  
Suddenly he felt a shadow coming near him. Briar looked up and saw a furious Ozorne in front of him.   
"How dare you say all these disrespectable things about my DAUGHTER-IN-LAW!"  
  
"She is NOT your daughter-in-law." yelled Jon.  
  
Ozorned rolled his eyes and whispered at Jon. "You dumb piece of crap, can't you see that this is the only way to get him to shut up about your daughter?"  
  
Jon nodded knowingly and turned to Briar. "Sorry, i made a mistake. Kally is betrothed to Kaddar."  
  
"How cute is that!!" cried Briar, "Kally, Kally, Kally. Hi Kally!" he yelled as he waved to Kalasin. Kalasin blushed and smiled  
  
Jon slumped back in his chair again. "What is it with him???" he wailed, "Doesn't he care if the girl is married or betrothed?"  
  
"Nope! As long as the girl is good looking. And of course 'hot, sexy and cute'!" said George cheerfully. "Ouch!!!" he yelled as Jon stepped on toe. Hard.  
  
"Don't you sound like it's got nothing to do with you." Jon said threateningly, "Just wait until he get's on Alanna." George turned pale. He turned almost clear when Briar asked:  
"Who is Alanna??"  
  
"That one." Ozorne pointed at Alanna.  
  
"Wow! She's a beauty!"  
  
George fainted.  
  



	12. End of the first section

"Uncle George, are you alright?" asked Kalasin worriedly.  
  
George opened his eyes. "What?! Oh yeah... oh NO!!!!!!!!! What's going to happen to my dear Alanna?! NO!!!!!!! Briar, please! I beg it of you! Spare me from this pain!!!"  
  
"Okay! OKAY!" Briar tried to calm George down, "NOTHING is going to happen your *dear* Alanna! I was only making a compliment. You should be proud!!"  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
After a little more confusion, everything is back on track.  
  
"So, princess Kalasin, tell us what do you think about boys?"   
  
The entire male population of the audience sat up straight in their seats, only to be pulled back against the seats by the entire female population of the audience. But nevertheless, they were listening carefully.  
  
"I think that boys are..."  
  
"Just like ME!!!!" screamed Ozorne from the Judges Stand.  
  
"Shut up!!" yelled Jon as he whacked Ozorne *hard* on the head.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Ozorne in pain as he collapsed.  
  
"Uh-oh."  
  
George looked at Jon. "I think you should get him to Duke Baird."  
  
"I'll do it!" said Briar cheerfully. Getting out a phone, he quickly pressed some numbers. "Hello? Yes? ... You really are the Tortallan Royal Flying Doctors Service?! Goody! ..Huh?...oh yeah... there's someone hurt here... The name of the victim? oh yes, it's ...Oh-Zone or something.. what? where are we? um, at the Miss Tortall Competition of course! .... Address? Well, you see, I'm a bit new to Tortall so I don't really know about the roads... But I remember the way I came! See I was sitting in front of my mirror doing my hair, when there was a loud boom! then I flew through this bright passage.. and then tata! I arrived! ... what? You'll work it out yourself? How intelligent! Okay, see you soon! bye bye!" Turning off the phone, Briar looked up triumphantly. "All taken care of!"  
  
Kalasin, Sandry, Daja and Tris formed a foursome on the stage and did a little cheerleading stunt: "Go Briar! Go Briar! We love you, Dear Briar! You're so handsome, you're so cute! You're our hero, yep that's you!!! Give me a B!! Give me a R!! Give me a I!!! Give me a A!!! Give me a R!! What does it spell? BRIAR!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The judges - well, what's left of them - nodded in approval. "Excellent work! Couldn't have done it better ourselves." Briar beamed.  
  
Faithful called out from the stage, "Right, Ladies and Gentlemen, while we are waiting for the healers to arrive, we might as well continue our competition. okay, moving on, princess kalasin, what would you wish for most?"  
  
Kalasin looked thoughtful, then burst into a bright smile. "World Peace!" The audience started a round of applause.  
  
"Well, aren't we all fortunate to have a princess like you, your highness. Well, ladies and gentleman, that's all our contestants for this year's Miss Tortall Competion. After the break, we will move onto the next section - Intellectual!! where our gorgeous contestants will receive on-stage Interviews - they will each answer a question to demonstrate their intelligence!!!!!!"  
  
  
a/n: hehe.. short chapter, sorri. But I need ideas.. I don't feel like finishing it off so soon, so i need more ideas on what to come. please read and review!


	13. The first of the Intellectual Section

a/n: well look, another chapter. This is the first of the new intellectual' section, though you may find the questions and answers not so intellectual.. but nevertheless.. enjoy! ~~Avadriz~~  
  
  
"Welcome back to the first annual Miss Tortall Competition!" cried Faithful happily as the audience applauded enthusiastically.  
  
"Now, we will have the Intellectual Section where each contestant will be given a question to answer. Firstly, let's greet our judges - King Jonathon, King George and Mister Briar!!!!!!"  
  
The judges each smiled their dazzling smiles and gave a little wave, causing many girly-shrieks and a couple of faints.  
  
"Now please put your hands together for Miss Alanna of uh.. yeah, just Miss Alanna.." said Faithful uncertainly as he glanced at George who seems much unaffected.  
  
Gracefully Alanna, now in a purple top and purple mini-skirt, walked on to the stage.  
  
Suddenly a loud scream came from the Judge's Stand. "OUCHHHH!!!!! ARRRGGGH!!!!!" screamed Briar.  
  
Immediately, the newly formed "Briar is oh-so-cute Fan Club" rushed to his side.  
  
"Oh Briar dear, are you alright?" asked Buri, the obvious leader of the Club. Briar shook his head.  
  
"Poor darling... what happened?"  
  
"It was him," Briar pointed an accusing finger at George, "He assaulted me!!!"  
  
"I did not!" said George defensively. "I only TOUCHED you LIGHTLY because you were going to make a comment about my Alanna."  
  
"So?? I was only going say that she was gorgeously beautiful and sexy!"  
  
Alanna blushed a deep shade of purple (which clashed with her eyes horribly, but anyway) while George gave Briar the very special George's-"Die-Briar-DIE"-death glare. After about two seconds of glaring, Briar was frozen in a two by two by two metres cube of ice. Even Jon, who was sitting on the other side, felt shivers down his spine. This minor incident caused Briar to be sent off with the Tortallan Royal Flying Doctors Service alongside Orzorne.  
  
This pleased George immensely, and in his good mood - with Jon still shivering from the death-glare earlier on - he allowed Numair back as a Judge.  
  
~~~~~~~~5 hours later~~~~~~~~  
  
Back on Stage, Faithful coughed loudly. "It is now time begin our interviews. Miss Alanna, your question is..." at this Fearless popped out of thin air to hand over a sealed envelope, which Faithful opened, "Please solve this problem - the Mother Goddess and Mithros are arguing over a pot of chocolate. They want to show off their powers to the other (so they can have the chocolate) and have decided to use Tortall as where their demonstrations will be done. This will cause many disasters and sufferings for the people. What would you do?"  
  
"Can I have a couple of minutes to think about it?" asked Alanna.  
  
Faithful nodded. "Yes, you have ten minutes in which you may think of the perfect answer."  
  
And so Alanna thought and thought and thought... she thought over all the possibilities. Finally she reached one perfect solution. "I have the perfect solution!!" she exclaimed.  
  
The Judges gave a little clap.  
  
"Well done Alanna," said Numair, "Now you have to act it out for us."  
  
"WHAT??!?!?!"  
  
George gave a small nod. "We have all agreed that visual aids are necessary. But don't worry, you won't be doing it by yourself and anything you need just tell the crews."  
  
~~~~~~~~10 hours later~~~~~~~~  
  
"Presenting to you, a Miss Tortall Production - the 'PERFECT SOLUTION' starring Miss Alanna, with guest appearances from Great God Mithros and the Mother Goddess." said Fearless - now as the voice-over - from the microphone.  
  
The audience whooped and cheered as the curtains opened, revealing Mithros and the Mother Goddess standing on either side of a humungus pot of chocolate yelling at each other.  
  
"I shall have the chocolate!" declared Mithros.  
  
Mother Goddess shook her head. "Uh-uh, I'm going to have the chocolate."  
  
"But you can't - you're on a diet!"  
  
"I am?? Oh... well, you don't deserve to have this chocolate!! It's too good for you."  
  
"Nothing's too good for me - I am the Greatest. Look, why don't we just a match with our powers and whoever wins can have the chocolate!"  
  
"Great idea! Let's do it in Tortall!"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
At this, Alanna enters. "It is not okay!! You are not going to have a match, and you're not going to have a match in Tortall!!"  
  
Mithros and the Mother Goddess stared at Alanna blankly. "WHY??"  
  
"Because you are going to both give up on that pot of chocolate!!"  
  
"AND WHY IS THAT??"  
  
"Because I have two blocks the new 'Cadbury Chocolate Mousse Chocolate'!!!!!" Alanna smiled sweetly as she held up two huge blocks of chocolate.  
  
Mithros and the Mother Goddess both squealed with delight, grabbed one each and happily skipped off - leaving behind the pot of chocolate...  
  
"The end." Fearless cut in, "with thanks to The-Pot-of-Chocolate, and our very special twins: Cadbury-Chocolate-Mousse-Chocolate-No-1 and Cadbury-Chocolate-Mousse-Chocolate-No-2."  
  
There was another round of applause as Faithful walked back on stage.  
  
"That certainly was a wonderful performance. Can we please have some comments from the Judges' Stand?"  
  
Numair, as acting spokesman, stood up. "This was a wonderful, well..uh.. prepared performance. The solution was - if not perfect - rather close to perfection, and we would like to highly congratulate Miss Alanna for her efforts. Of course, we thought that it would have been more effective Miss Alanna had on a lower-cut dress, and the chocolates unwrapped so we could actually SEE them (or, preferbly, taste them)... nevertheless, I am honoured to be judging this performance, and thank the gods most sincerely for getting rid of Briar..."   
  
At this, the "Briar is oh-so-cute Fan Club" immediately launched the first of a series of their well planned protest movements against Cruelty and Assaults Towards Briar.  
  
Each member of the group wore a head piece made of moss, some holding large signs saying: "NO MORE CRUELTY TOWARDS BRIAR - MAKE IT A LAW!!!" or "SAVE DEAR BRIAR FROM THE CLUTCHES OF _HELL_!!" while others held large pon-pons made of plants - all screaming at the top of their lungs (wiping tears from their eyes as they thought of their 'poor, mistreated Briar') as they made their way around.  
  
Again, the Miss Tortall Competition was in a state of chaos.  
  
  
A/n: end of another lame, crappy chapter. As you can see, i'm really running out of ideas... so give me your best! The more ideas, the quicker the next chapter would be up. Thanks heaps. ~~Avadriz~~


End file.
